On Monday, I awoke and took a shower. It’s not that I don’t do this everyday, but it prefaces the event of which I am about to explain. Similar to the California Water Wars underlying the plot of such movies as “Chinatown” and “L.A. Confidential”, a dramatic water dispute is integral to my story.
“Is anyone else about to take a shower?” I beseeched my hot gf out of concern over hot water availability. She has roommates and my presence alone is irritating enough for them (understandably). Whenever I’m over, I try to avoid conflict at all costs by taking on the form of a chameleon and making myself stand out as little as possible.
“I don’t think so,” she replied. I was willing to take my chances. I turned on the water and after testing it a few times, stepped in. Crisis averted, so far.
Moments later, the pressure dropped and the temperature abruptly changed to ice cold. “Fuck!” I turned the nozzle slightly and it immediately shifted to scalding hot. “God dammit!” I winced, scurrying to the back of the tub. I spent the rest of my time cowering under the shower head as I incrementally adjusted the temperature setting while jumping in and out of the stream. When I was done, I dried off, annoyed as hell. Then it dawned on me: I bet she is doing fucking laundry.
I stepped out of the tub and approached her in the bedroom as cooly as possible. “Babe… you doing laundry?” I asked nonchalantly like Puddy from Seinfeld.
She looked up at me. “Yes,” she responded, hesistantly.
I pounced. “What? Why would you do that while I’m taking a shower!”
“Sorry,” she said.
“It just makes no sense to me! What was the point of me asking if anyone was showering? No wonder the water pressure dropped…” I kept complaining until she couldn’t take it anymore.
“Alright, shutup!” she screamed. Typically it takes a lot for her to raise her voice, but after a year of being together I have found I can incite it pretty often with my incessant bitching and moaning.
In her defense, I don’t think she intentionally did laundry to ruin my day. I don’t think most people in a long-term relationship generally do things out of spite, no matter how long they’ve been together. Rather, over time I think couples become so accustomed to being together that partners uninentionally instigate out of complete disregard for one another. It’s not so much an act of spitefulness as it is forgetfulness: it’s as if we are with the other person so much we actually forget they are there.
Regardless, my hot gf also does laundry religiously, so it’s difficult to ever find a window where she isn’t doing it. For all I know, she started a load before I even got in the shower. I should have just asked, “Are you doing laundry?” So technically, it was my fault. Going forward, I will always try to remember to check. As a guy, you’ve got to keep your ego at bay, especially if you want your hot gf to keep cooking for you. Emasculation process: complete.
Chef’s Note: I have showered and had laundry going at the same time previously, but I think my apartment is struggling to keep water warm and heat on in this bitter cold. Oh well, the boyfriend can choose between a clean body or clean clothes—you can’t have both. I do love doing laundry; taking fresh clean clothes out of the drier is one of my favorite things. I guess I need some more hobbies.
She spent the remainder of the day making her marinara sauce amidst short breaks while working from home. I stayed out of her hair for the most part doing what I do best: sitting on the couch writing. When she was done with her last conference call, she started making her stuffed shells.
Chef’s Note: It is not marinara sauce – marinara sauce does not have meat. One might say I was making Italian “Sunday Sauce”, a slow cooked tomato sauce with meat. Today I chose pork.
Whatever it was, it was red, incredibly flavorful, and had tender pieces of pork in it. She knows how to make a mean sauce. She used the tomato puree she had been freezing since summer made with tomatoes from my parent’s garden. Whether it’s her attitude or her ingredients, she lives by the motto fresh ’til death. And if you’re like her, you won’t wait ’til Sunday to make this sauce either. My hot GF cooks the OG on the reg, homies–that’s ORIGINAL GRAVY baby!
The OG Hot GF Italian Tomato Sauce
Prep time: 15 min
Cook time: 3.5 hours Serves: makes a lot of sauce - about 6 quarts
-Chop onion, carrot, garlic, tomato, parsley and basil -Season pork with salt and pepper
Use to make my stuffed shells or any of other many uses for sauce. I typically freeze mine in containers and pull out as needed.
*Pork neck you say? Yes I do! You find this in the pork section of your meat department. It is extremely cheap and adds flavor to your sauce. It is mostly bone. You can also get pork shoulder. You can also omit the meat, use sausage or meatballs (the options are endless!). **2 tbsps will give the sauce a kick. Feel free to adjust this to your own taste.